I’m having a rough day today…Elena isn’t, no worries (well, you know what I mean). Elena starts her 5 days of Irinotecan again tomorrow. This is an at home oral Chemotherapy drug. It tastes foul and gets mixed with cranberry grape juice to cut out at least some of the awful taste. 30ml of juice. Technically, that’s only an ounce. But givien in a syringe, to a toddler, is…I don’t even know what I could possibly say to make you understand. It fucking sucks. When I have help from either my husband or Kim, it’s a bit easier, though we are still holding her down, watching her scream and fight. She kicks, she smacks, her eyes are begging for us to stop. When I’m doing it alone, it’s better and worse at the same time. I have to straddle her, pinning down her hands and hold her face still so that I dont poke her in the eye with the syringe while she thrashes. But when push comes to shove, I know I HAVE to do it. This medicine, regardless of the dangerous side effects they could cause, will get rid of her cancer. What choice do I have really?
That brings me to the specific reason I’m emotional today. An old aquainstance of my husbands stopped in the store and gave Mario a name of a doctor to research that “cures cancer without chemo.” Imagine the joy and excitement I would have over that! Researching on the internet, when your child has cancer is a dangerous activity to engage in. It should not be done. The doctor, at first glance, sounds like a real hero. He discovered a gene that cancer patients lack, while those of us who do not have cancer, have this gene. So, by making a ‘drug’ that basically creates this gene, creates a way for the cancer to practically cure itself. It seems to be a safe way to treat anyone, but ESPECIALLY my daughter with cancer. She has so much LIFE yet to live and I desperately want those years to be side effect free. I want her to have perfectly functioning kidneys, and a heart that hasn’t been damaged by chemotherapy. I want her to have children of her own someday. God, I want so fucking much for her. And I REALLY don’t want her to develope a secondary cancer from chemo. (yupp, it can happen!) This doctor sounds like a Godsend. He’s been pursected by the FDA and the government and blah blah <insert conspiracy theory>. THEN I find several websites bashing the doctor and his clinic. THESE people state that they ended up on chemo anyway, since they didn’t “qualify” for his new treatment. AND they were practically robbed in terms of treatment costs. Long story not so short, I ended up just reading all the terrible reasons why I shouldn’t be giving Elena these poisonous drugs. And then I sat there crying my eyes out because I’m NOT a gambler. I CAN’T make the choice to try the holistic approach and risk her life.
Elena came running over to me at this point, full of energy and life. I scooped her up and held her so tight. She knows…Elena is affectionate, but not overly so. I spend half my days chasing her around the house to get a hug from her. But today, she let me hold her. For minutes, which to a wild toddler feels like hours, or perhaps days even. Finally, when she pulled away to look at me, she starts laughing at me. At my tears. She is touching my face and laughing her ass off that its all wet. I truly feel as if it was her way of telling me “Mommy, stop being so ridiculous. I love you and I love life and I’m not going anywhere. The thought of you stressing over me…YES, ME…not living MY life to the fullest is laughable!” And deep deep down, I know this to be true. Cancer is just a tough pill to swallow today. And bottom line: I need to stay the fuck away from the internet!