Hello February

Adios January. You fucking sucked. Now, February, I would really appreciate it if you aren’t the douche that last month was.

I have literally never been so physically and emotionally spent as I am at this very second. Twice in the last month Elena has had literally no functioning immune system. She is currently battling through a stomach bug on top of the daily chemo treatments she had last week, leaving her vomiting everyday, several times a day for the last 6 days. Picture this: you’re sitting on your living room floor, trying to calm down your two year old, giving it everything you have in order to comfort her. She pukes. All over you and the floor. And THEN when everything she has eaten in the last day is out of her stomach, she proceeds to cry hysterically and say “I sorry Mama. I so sorry Mommy.” Over and over again until you literally think your heart is going to stop and you will drop dead because there is no way a heart can function when it is THAT broken. I screamed into my pillow that night after she was resting comfortably.

After returning from our visit to the ER tonight (she needed fluids as she hasn’t been able to keep anything down today), my husband looks at me and tells me he loves me. He then says “I know. It’s ok that you don’t love me right now.” As tears wells up in my eyes and I begin to try to respond, he explains to me that he gets it- I love HER so much right now I don’t have the focus for it elsewhere. And he’s right. I wish it wasn’t true, but at the end of the day, I don’t have the emotional capacity for it. I hope one day I do again. One day, I’ll be able to take BOTH my girls out of the house to have fun and play. One day, I’ll not have to worry about Elena’s counts being dangerously low. One day, we will be done with chemo. One day…. Couldn’t come soon enough.

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